When numbers become more important than words

Wow. I just looked back at the last time I posted. It's been a while, hasn't it? (I'd figured it was around three months ago, but didn't realize it was actually much closer to four. And I'm still quite proud of that lovely quote. Believe in your voice, people!) To say that a lot has happened over the last (almost) four months would be a major understatement. So I don't torture anyone by making you wonder if the "happenings" have anything to do with writing, I will be upfront and honest with you. They don't. (Though I wish that they did... I still long to be published some day, to be able to look at a book that I spent so much time changing, rearranging, and writing from the very depths of my heart, to hold it in my hands. But the things that have happened recently have changed all of that. I'm not sure if this is something that is only temporary, or if, in fact, I've gone down one of those paths in my life that doesn't have the option to be walked down again.)

Now, before you hit the "back" button and go perusing somewhere else because this post isn't making much sense, I suppose I'd better explain. You see, back in April, Lovemuffin became very sick. Not a sick that anyone would normally think of -- he didn't get the flu, he wasn't coughing, he didn't get mono and suddenly start feeling extremely tired, either. (Well he did get really tired and very weak, actually, but he had insomnia and couldn't sleep -- not your typical mono symptoms.) For the sake of this blog post I'm not going to go into extreme detail -- I don't want to bore anyone, nor do I want to turn this into a "feel sorry for me" post. So here's my quickest (yet still somewhat lengthy) summary:

On Easter Sunday, things with Lovemuffin went from physically bad and confusing, to much, much worse. An ER visit, few demanded blood labs later (by us, not the doctors) and emergency admission into the hospital after that, resulted in ITP as his diagnosis. I'm assuming that most of you don't know what ITP is, and frankly, I pray none of you ever have to come close to personally knowing what it is. You can Google it, if you like, but for the sake of saving time I'll put it in simple terms: ITP is an auto-immune disorder where your body actually attacks and destroys your own blood platelets. When your platelets get too low, there are many things that can occur within the body, including spontaneous bleeds in the brain (which seems to be the biggest worry when we see doctors -- the first question Lovemuffin always receives is "Do you have a headache?"). To put what Lovemuffin was dealing with in perspective, an average person's platelet count should be anywhere from 150-400 thousand. Usually, once you're under ten thousand (and for some people, even when your count is higher than that) your gums will bleed, you will bruise (and the bruise doesn't really "heal" -- he had that on his shin after being hit by a softball, I'm not kidding, it took three months for the bruise, which ended up covering the whole lower part of his leg, down to his ankle, three months to completely go away.) and other things can happen, like nosebleeds, for instance.

Throughout our dealings with all of this, Lovemuffin's counts have gone up and down so much (up only after treatments, which include infusions of IVIG -- another word you can Google if you're in the mood -- and insanely high doses of steroids) that he's had counts of 1,000 (yes, only ONE THOUSAND) and 309,000 (you read that right, too) within a time span of only a few weeks.

I won't go into detail and bore with you all of the symptoms and issues and hospital admissions and whatnot, there's really no point in that -- reliving it all isn't on my to-do list, and I guarantee you're not going to feel how we did when we were there without me explaining it -- but I did want to explain that, like I said, there's been a lot of happenings around here lately. It took a while, but we ended up finding a place we felt was "safest" to be during all of these issues. The sad part was, it was three hours away. Thank God for our family, because without them taking care of our girls (especially before school was out) for days upon days, I'm really not sure where we would be (well, stuck here where we didn't feel "safe", obviously). And thank God for our friends, as well, for helping us out with whatever we needed, listening to us vent, and continuing to pray.

And that leads me to my final point: while this was all happening, God found us. Yes -- I meant what I said -- that was not a typo, my friends! I did not mean we found Him. He found us. He surrounded Lovemuffin with His love. He took away pains and issues he'd been having for over a decade, took away habits (smoking, in case you're curious) Lovemuffin had been dealing with since he was fourteen years old! And I'd like to make this abundantly clear: Lovemuffin, at that point, didn't even ask for Him!

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying we didn't ask or hope or pray for divine intervention -- we did. But when He started to work in Lovemuffin, we hadn't asked yet. He was here before we even turned to Him. Before we even understood how bad Lovemuffin's health really was. We weren't even sure what was going on yet, when Lovemuffin began to feel His presence. And throughout the issues Lovemuffin's had, there has only been one consistency: No matter how terrible he was feeling, how dark or scared or angry or sad or frustrated or helpless he or I (or both of us) felt on a certain day, God was there.

Before this all happened, I believed in God--both Lovemuffin and I did. I've believed in Him since I was a little girl, and not once did I ever, no matter what insane or terrible things were thrown my way my whole adult life, never questioned if any of those situations were brought on by God. (If anyone reading this has ever wondered about that, I want you to know the answer is no way -- He'd never do that to you. God would NEVER punish anyone for anything they've done... that is a lie straight from the pit of hell.) He reached down and put His arms around Lovemuffin and hasn't let go ever since.

And now we are here, exactly three months after the worst of Lovemuffin's symptoms, and I'm not exaggerating when I say it feels as though it's been a year. This is one of those journeys that if I had the choice, I would definitely, with no question in my mind, NEVER EVER, EVER go on again. We still don't have all the answers that we'd like to have -- for one thing, no one really knows what causes it. For another, there are only three main "cures" (and I use that term very, very loosely) for ITP (along what he was diagnosed with later as well -- Evans Syndrome -- though we both believe he's been healed from that and are believing for complete healing and restoration with the ITP, the symptoms are just taking longer to disappear) one being the removal of the spleen, another being chemotherapy. We opted for the splenectomy, and it's been about a month and a half since the procedure. After recovery from surgery was over, it was time to finally be weaned off the steroids. (Yay! They did nothing for his ITP, and talk about dark... Tears still come to my eyes when I remember how terrible they made Lovemuffin feel -- and I'm not talking about physically, I'm talking about mentally and emotionally.) THEN, after being weaned from the steroids, it was time to be weaned off the pills that helped take the edge off the steroids.

It's been a week since Lovemuffin has been completely pill-free. His sleep still isn't what it used to be, the ITP symptoms still come and go on a daily basis, and just two weeks ago we were admitted back into the hospital for low platelets. (I'm at the point where I don't even tell most people, sometimes not even my closest friends, about what is going on here because things go up and down so much, even on an hourly basis.) But you know what? We continue to believe. We continue to believe in a God that is capable and willing and WANTING to give us health and well-being. We continue to believe that family is the most important thing ever, and that health is a blessing that we not only should have, it's a blessing He feels we deserve, because we're His children.

So back to the writing -- I don't know where I'm going. Some days I'm buried in the Word and some days I'm buried in the house cleaning and some days I'm buried in the "trying to help Lovemuffin keep his sanity" and some days I'm trying to keep the girls busy and some days Lovemufffin and I are both buried in the Word. Do I love reading? Yes. Absolutely. Do I love writing? Yes. More than most things (maybe even... *gasp*... coffee). Every single time I log onto facebook or see something on my phone happening on twitter, I feel my stomach fall, fall down so deep that it hurts profusely. I want to cry and yell that it's not fair, that I want to be this or that person, that I want to have the chance to do what they're actually doing. (Then of course I tell myself I need to be HAPPY for them, be proud of what they've accomplished.) But at this point, I can't tell whether or not that's me wanting to write because I love it and want to be a part of the whole thing, want to be right there in the middle of it all since I've taken so much time to learn about the entire process, or whether it's because the enemy (you all know who I mean) is grasping at straws now, and is trying to hit me where it hurts. He's flat-out losing by trying to hit me through Lovemuffin, because I BELIEVE he's being healed -- there's no question. So now he's throwing terrible thoughts and feelings at me: "You're never going to get any further with this." "You're an absolute failure." (I have plenty of verses to throw back at those thoughts though, and they make me feel better.)

Bottom line, I don't know. I don't know much about anything in the above paragraphs, other than the fact that God loves each and every one of us. I don't know what will become of the writing, so I don't want to up and delete this blog, as of yet. At times, when I think about how certain things have gone, or I read the beginning of FLORA, and see that, yes, I should re-work the beginning (but it's not THAT bad, really!), I wonder if God had a hand in all of this, and the fact that I've gone nowhere so far is because of what was going to happen with Lovemuffin. Who knows. But because I know I won't be on here again for a while, I just wanted to let everyone know where I was. I won't be able to be checking on everyone else's blogs either, so I ask in advance that you do forgive me for that. But each and every one of you will be in my prayers -- no matter what part of the writing journey you're currently in. And hopefully, someday soon, I'll be back, knowing what the next step in my own personal journey is.

HUGS,

Jessica

Friday Focus: Believe in your voice

"Believe in yourself and in your own voice, because there will be times in this business when you will be the only one who does. Take heart from the knowledge that an author with a strong voice will often have trouble at the start of his or her career because strong, distinctive voices sometimes make editors nervous. But in the end, only the strong survive."

- Jayne Ann Krentz

Friday Focus: Great hearts

Endurance is the crowning quality, and patience all the passion of great hearts. ~James Russell Lowell

Happy Friday! =)

Stuck on you like super glue

I had this long post scheduled for today, but I decided to delete it. Why? Because I have a tendency, when trying to get my point across, to go way overboard. So here's the shortened version:

I love feeling so close to a character that it feels as though I'm stuck on them like glue.

The end.

(Maybe I should write shorter posts more often.)


Currently inspired by -- Grace Potter & The Nocturnals -- Paris (Ooh La La)

Friday Focus: Give the audience all you've got

I've always seen it as the role of an artist to drag his inside out, give the audience all you've got. Writers, actors, singers, all good artists do the same. It isn't supposed to be easy.
~Henry Rollins


Lovefest: Muses



Life is a song. Love is the lyrics.





Sometimes holding hands is holding on to everything.




All you need is one...




To the world you may be one person, but...


I believe that love cannot be bought except with love. ~John Steinbeck





A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. ~ Ingrid Bergman





Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. ~Jonathan Larson








For you see, each day I love you more.
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
~Rosemonde Gerard



Currently inspired by: Jeff Buckley -- We All Fall in Love Sometimes





Lovefest: Words from the heart

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? ~Henry David Thoreau




So today's post was going to have a lot of quotes from books and whatnot, but something happened late last night as I was typing this all out, and for some reason, the latest draft never got saved. =( Here are a few that didn't get lost, though.

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? ~Henry David Thoreau

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. ~William Shakespeare

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~Dr. Seuss

Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it. ~ Nicholas Sparks (A Walk to Remember)

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. ~Judy Garland

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. ~Kahlil Gibran

This was love at first sight, love everlasting: a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected -- in so far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness; it took entire possession of him, and he understood, with joyous amazement, that this was for life. ~Thomas Mann

If you have any quotes/excerpts, feel free to share them in the comments. I'd love to read them!

Currently inspired by: The Black Keys - Everlasting Light

Loverly lovefest: Love in literature


"I know the expression love bloomed is metaphorical, but in my heart in this moment, there is one badass flower, captured in time-lapse photography, going from bud to wild radiant blossom in ten seconds flat."
Jandy Nelson (The Sky Is Everywhere)

Ah... love. It can make you feel as high as the sky, it can make you feel as though you've sunk into the deepest depths of despair. I, personally, love both reading and writing about love. When it's written well and inserted in just the right places, love can add the perfect dose of tension or suspense. It can even control a character's motivation or determine their decisions; and make us, as readers, understand why a character is behaving a certain way.

This week I'm going to be sharing a few loverly things that have inspired me, personally.

Recently, as I was trolling around on itunes looking for a new muse, I came across He is We. If you haven't heard of them, all I'm going to say is... Wow. The words in their songs are perfect--they encapsulate all those feelings that rush through us during love highs and lows.

So today's inspiration is the song All About Us, by He is We. (If the video doesn't work, here's the youtube direct link.)


What did you think? Did it remind you of any books or characters in particular that you love? What kind of songs inspire you? I love to hear about them in the comments!

Friday Focus: Make mistakes

"Make mistakes. Make great mistakes, make wonderful mistakes, make glorious mistakes. Better to make a hundred mistakes than to stare at a blank piece of paper too scared to do anything wrong, too scared to do anything." -Neil Gaiman

Happy Friday!

It's all about love


So most books -- especially YA (since that's the category my head has been submerged in for over a year now) have a love story entwined into the plot. Call me crazy, but I love a good old-fashioned love triangle. I know some people are getting tired of those, but I'm announcing right here, right now, that I'm not one of them. (This might come back to kick me in the backside later, but -- get it? ha ha. But. -- this is how I'm feeling... this month, anyway.)

For me, the love triangle doesn't have to be "she likes him and he likes her but this guy also likes her and she can't choose between the two of them", it just has to have one person the MC likes, a LOT, and another person that also has his/her emotions invested in the MC -- whom some readers will connect with, and possibly root for.

Now, why did I bring up the love triangle? Oh, yes. Because next week I'm going to be doing some short and sweet posts on writing about love. Now before you get all excited and think I'm going to talk about how to WRITE it, I'm not. I would much rather discuss ways we are inspired to write about it. Music. Pictures. Poems. Books. Things we see/hear on a daily basis that knock us in the head and give us wonderful, romantical ideas. You know. The mushy stuff.

So start thinking of a few things you'd like to share. It's going to be a love-fest! (Okay, maybe that's a bit extreme, but I think you know what I mean.) Oh, and if you're needing a little something to get you in the mood, check out the song below.

Currently inspired by: Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love



WRITEONCON + tea & crumpets

First, I'd like to announce to those who have been busy doing, you know, important stuff (and not stalking people on twitter, like, well, someone we know) that the dates for this year's WRITEONCON (AKA, the most awesome dates in the universe) have been released, and I'm quite the excited crumpet. (Odd word choice, I know, but I had to tie both parts of this post in somehow!) I'm pretty sure the kids will be at school and I'll actually be able to participate. So... yay! Anyway. It's August 16-18th. Make sure and mark ya calendahs, ya'll.

Second, and this kind of goes with the theme of WRITEONCON since there are so many awesome agent contests going on over there, I'd like to know what everyone envisions their dream agents doing on a daily basis. Personally, I see the ladies wearing lace gloves (and for some reason, some of them are also wearing corsets), sitting around their desks (which have been specifically placed to where everyone can see each other -- not sure why this is, but I imagine them all in one big room), and sipping on tea. Kind like this...


...but with tea, and crumpets. And they're sitting at desks. Not outside.*

And somehow, with all of this very old stuff going on (the corsets, lace gloves and whatnot), they still have their computers propped in front of them on their desks. Most of the lady agents are reading queries from their emails, but a few are completely engrossed in paper partials and fulls.

Then, the clock chimes that it's ten o'clock, everyone stops what they're doing, and the main, owner agent lady leaves for a moment. When she returns, she's holding an old, silver platter, and she says, "Tea? Crumpets, anyone?"

The rest of the agents smile politely, and nod -- some of them even say "Why yes, Main Owner Agent Lady, thank you, so much." (Mind you, this is all being done in some sort of accent -- preferably an English one.)

So everyone sips on their tea (pinkies raised, of course) whilst discussing their exciting secret double lives (secret agents of the governmental sort, food critics, authors themselves, people who crash cars and rate how safe they are, you know, that sort of stuff) and ultimately, their very strongly accented conversation gets around to the queries they've received that morning.

And they laugh, "eh-heh-heh" and "ooh-hoo-hoo"**, careful to keep their mouths closed so as not to spit out tea or crumpets on their computers or papers because, well, that would be a disaster, not to mention quite unladylike, then dab at their mouths with little hankies, having a quaint time listening to people's ideas and query faux pas. (Not in a mean way, just a... whimsical way.)

And that's what I see them doing. Allllll day. Talking, laughing, drinking tea, and eating crumpets. I'm not sure how this got into my head, because I know that's not even remotely close to how it actually is. I know there are male agents (heck, I've queried/am querying male agents!), but for some reason, I can't get the parasols (I forgot to mention those, didn't I?) and tea and crumpets out of my head.

How 'bout you? How do you envision the agents' daily lives? And are you as excited as I am about WRITEONCON??? =)

Currently inspired by: Hockey - Too Fake

*Incidentally, this book is on my TBR list.
** My try at writing quiet, practically closed-mouth ladylike-laughing was quite laughable itself.

Expectation vs. Aspiration

Many moons ago, a wee little thirty year-old decided she was going to bite the bullet and start writing. She sat down at her computer, and every day for months (and many nights as well), she worked hard on her craft. She was going to be biggest, the BESTEST, writer ever -- no doubt about it. People were going to praise her for her work, agents would bow down to her brilliance, and books sales would be in the tens of thousands.

The wee little thirty year-old plugged away at her story, editing, changing it, even forcing friends to read it. (From what I've heard, she's quite sorry about the aforementioned torture.) Months went by, the book was polished, and she began to query.

What? She thought, as the rejections rolled into her inbox. (True, she stopped querying at around number ten, but still, the results from those ten queries were far from her expectations).

Expectations? Ah, yes, that is where we come in. For the poor little thirty year-old writer knew nothing about aspirations -- in fact, she dodged them whenever possible -- who needed such unnecessary contraptions?

And now, that little thirty year-old writer has become a thirty-two year-old one; and through her journey of more writing, more rejections and even more writing, she's come to learn a very valuable lesson:

Expectations can be killer, dear readers. They can make you up and quit doing what you love to do most when it becomes hard to reach them. But aspirations, yes readers -- those are the things of winners.

Let's take a moment to explore the difference between the two, shall we? (Whilst ignoring the fact that dictionary.com hates to be copied and pasted.)

Expectation (according to dictionary.com) - [ek-spek-tey-shuhn]

–noun
1.
the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
2.
the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
3.
an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.
4.
something expected; a thing looked forward to.
5.
Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: tohave great expectations.
6.
the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.
8.
the state of being expected: a large sum of money inexpectation.

Aspiration (also according to dictionary.com) - [as-puh-rey-shuhn]

–noun
1.
strong desire, longing, or aim; ambition: intellectualaspirations.
2.
a goal or objective desired: The presidency is the traditionalaspiration of young American boys.

See the difference in the meanings of those two words, my little grasshoppers? When you expect something, you pretty much know that it's going to happen without really preparing for it much. But aspiring is working toward a goal, a specific objective. And when you work toward something, you're going to do all you can to learn how to get that goal accomplished.

Now, let's put those two words to action. Expecting to get somewhere (without taking the necessary steps to do it right) lacks proper direction. I like to think of it as wanting to be an acrobat. Say I'm a decent gymnast. I can do a round off backhand spring, and I can do it well. But am I the best at it? Could I make it to the olympics based on my talent right this second? Probably not. Then why, for heavens sake, do I think that knowing how to do a few jumps on a balance beam will make me awesome in acrobatics?

As with most things in life, having expectations is completely natural. But we, as writers, need to make sure that our aspirations outweigh our expectations. It's important to remember that the only way to become great is to work on just that -- becoming great. And the best way to do that is by putting our aspirations ahead of our expectations.

I will close out this little life lesson, my dear readers, with an interesting quote.

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." ~ Henry David Thoreau


Did you see that? Did you see how Mr. Thoreau says "...he will meet with a success unexpected"? It reminds me of the quote "Build it, and they will come." Aspire to be what you want to be, strive to do it to the best of your ability, and, eventually, success will find you.


Currently inspired by: The Bravery - Believe