I remember. I remember thinking that since the boy I liked didn't like me, life was terrible. I remember thinking, a few years later, that being grounded from seeing my boyfriend until my grades got better meant I had it worse than anyone else on the planet. I remember worrying about friends talking behind my back and wanting everyone to like me.
Then I became an adult, and suddenly, loss of family members, September 11th, tsunamis and earthquakes were worse than all of that stuff put together. The disasters and sadness put everything in perspective without a moment's notice. Oh, to be a kid again. To have someone take care of you, buy what you need when you need it, tell you to appreciate what you have.
The past week or so we've had to deal with more loss on a personal level than we've had to for nine years. Losing people dear to us, whether family, friends, or family of friends can make you want to go back to the days when grounding and boys were the highest on the terrible scale. I personally believe there is a higher power, that the people we have lost are in a better place, and though it does cushion the blow a little bit, it still sucks.
I've been up and down on the emotional roller coaster since all of this has happened, hurting for those hurting, sad for those sad. Wishing everyone had known what was coming, wishing they had time to prepare, wishing they could have known to say what they needed or wanted to say. Without wanting it to, attending funerals and seeing people grieving has taken me back to nine years ago when all of that sadness struck our family, and let me tell you, it's hard to get out of that funk once you're in it.
Today is Kid's Day. For those of you who don't know what Kid's Day is, one day every year our local newspaper donates all sales of a particular issue to the children's hospital. People and kids volunteer to stand on street corners throughout town all morning, freezing their fingers off with smiles on their faces, in order to sell papers to benefit the hospital. There's a special cover, a few stories about families going through tough times, sick kids, what the hospital has done for them, ect. Last year they raised $425,000. This year their goal is $400,000, and even though times are touch economically, I have a feeling they'll exceed it again just like last year.
One of today's Kid's Day cover pictures is about a preemie, a little girl born at just one pound, three ounces - arriving into this world premature at only 23 weeks. As my oldest gave a fellow student our donation and threw the paper my way before running off to class this morning, I looked at the picture of the card someone was holding, the imprints of the baby girl's hand and foot prints, the dime sitting right next to one of the hand prints (it was almost the exact same size), and my stomach sank. I even said "That's so sad." as the girls were getting out of the car. I thought about how terrible it was, how terrible it all is - this life. How sadness and pain is everywhere, all the time, no matter where we look, or what news we listen to.
The girls had been messing with my husband's ipod, and "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flats was playing as I drove home from the school. I looked over at the paper on the passenger seat, a the other cover picture, a baby boy born premature, with a scar on his little stomach and tubes going into his nose, and right then, I realized I had it all wrong. How was that sad? That baby was here! Alive! He had made it! I was seeing everything backwards. When did that happen? I didn't used to see things that way. When did my outlook get so dire, so bogged down, with me concentrating on loss instead of life?
Tragedies make you sit back and appreciate the little things, those you love and who are dear to you. They remind you that no one knows when their time to leave this earth is, and that because of that fact, every hour, every moment is special. Sometimes it takes a while for that reminder to grab hold, to control your thoughts though, because grief has taken over your mind, heart or whole body. I remember when that was me. When nothing made sense, and I could think of nothing other than the "Why"s and "What if"s and "I should have"s.
I also remember how much better I felt when concentrating on the good times. "Remember when"s are one of the best therapies I know.
