Friends, readers, writers -- lend me your opinions...

So today's post is going to be short and sweet. I need your opinions on three sentences. Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? ;)

I'm working on my query... and was lucky enough to receive some great feedback. Now. Here's the thing. As a writer, you tend to hold on to your original idea, even if it isn't necessarily the best one out there. I received a suggestion, and a good one at that, but I'm not sure which one sets up the query better.

Here's where you come in. Being as none of you really know much about it, I'd like to know which setup grabs you more, which one makes you think YA more... I think you get the point.

What do you think? 1 or 2?

1) Most teenage girls dream about their first love. Dahlia Kennedy's first love is the man in her dreams.

OR

2) Dahlia Kennedy's first love is Rowan, the man in her dreams -- literally.

That's it! And... you're done!

And now, as my thanks, here's a virtual cup of coffee! *clink*

14 comments:

Andi said...

I like the first one better. (simple answer)
Good luck!

A. Grey said...

I like the first one better too. I think it flows better. I'd read on from it :)

Travener said...

Yes, first one's better. It's the neat flip-flopping of expectations that does it.

Bethany Mattingly said...

I like the flow of number one but the "-literally." really grabs me in number two. Could you combo them?

Piedmont Writer said...

Okay I like the both of them but I only want to change one word each.

1) Most teenage girls dream about their first love. Dahlia Kennedy's first love IS the man in her dreams.

2) Dahlia Kennedy's first love is Rowan, literally, the man in her dreams.

coffeelvnmom said...

Thank you so much for your input, guys! The first one was actually mine, the second was someone's suggestion. And then I started worrying about mine, thought maybe I was going about it the wrong way...so I wanted to see what you all thought.

Bethany, I don't think I would combine them, only because I want it to sound like me, and for some reason, the second doesn't seem to. (Or maybe I'm just in denial. Ha!)

Anne, that word does make a world of difference. Thanks!

Lila Swann said...

I think the first one is stronger. However, the second one is a close second if you change "in" to "of."

A.L. Sonnichsen said...

My vote is with #1. Sounds very intriguing. Good luck!!

Amy

Pamela Hutchins said...

#1, definitely. Love it! Good luck, Jessica.

Lydia Sharp said...

The first one makes better use of irony and has a nicer flow.

Nicole MacDonald said...

I like number two - but I think a reworked combination of the two would work

what about referencing the Sandman? Something silly like 'mmmm the Sandman's never looked this good before' *lol*

http://damselinadirtydress.blogspot.com

DL Hammons said...

It's a tight race...but I'm going with #1.

Linda G. said...

#1 works better for me. :)

coffeelvnmom said...

Thank you so much for your opinions, everyone! I really appreciate it!