My brilliance is beyond brilliant

I was ransacking going through my closet looking for Christmas bags (because Christmas is, you know, weeks away, and I need to know how many bags I still need to buy like, NOW) and I came up with this awesomely awesome and wonderful idea. Actually, I came up with a few awesomely awesome ideas. And the shock that rippled through my body as I realized just how brilliant I was -- I mean, we are talking BRILLIANT, people -- well, that shock just about did me in. I seriously could have been found by Lovemuffin, spread out on the closet floor, clutching an ugly Christmas bag and Scotch tape dispenser to my chest (it had a little bitty hole in it... I throw nothing away people... this has been passed down three generations... don't judge), that's how mind-blowing these ideas were.

Are you tired of waiting to hear about my awesomely awesome ideas? Well wait no further. Here they are, in no particular order. (Hold on to your seats. No not those... the chair, people... I meant the chair.)

Five wonderful books I am going to write:

1) My Pickled Life*: Chronicles Perry the pickle's life from seed plantage to pickage to being shoved into a bunch of vinegar and whatever else they use to turn cucumbers into pickles. It will be educational, and even hilarious at times ("Nooooo... vinegar stunts my growth! yelled poor Perry Pickle"). And best of all, with the magic of faster-than-ever publishing these days, the package will be out in time for Christmas with one (or maybe more than one!!!) of these nifty pickly gifts.

2) Attack of the Horn**: A cute, meaningful story about a unicorn named Foofie whose beautiful horn somehow dislodges itself from Foofie's head and tries to poke her in the eye. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry. And best of all, it will come with a strap-on one-size-fits-all-foreheads unicorn horn for the unicorn at heart.

3) Redundancy at a Glance: Saying the same thing over and over is *so* redundant, don't you think, right? So kick back and put up your feet and relax as you read Redundancy at a Glance. Things you never thought to think of will be sparking your interest, like these chapters, for example...

Eating cheese on a cold winter night that is freezing

Marshmallows are for hot cocoa and smores and for putting in between wedges of chocolate and graham crackers

I just said this and now I'll say it again


The best phrases to use *ever* (What? You'd like few examples? Well, sure! Try these out in talking conversations -- advance planning, same identical and free gift)

4) Noodles are so Noodly***: Inspired by my mother's phrase, "holding on like a wet noodle", Noodles are so Noodly is a compliation of photographs taken by yours truly showing the many things you can do with noodles (sorry, photos are copyrighted, or I would have posted them on here).

Here are a few examples to spike your interest:

Hair getting thin? Add a little bit o' noodles to that bare spot.****

Not sure what to stuff that Christmas turkey with because you're out of bread and crumbs and all that other stuff that goes into stuffing? Stuff him with noodles.

Out of cereal and the kids are screaming they're about to collapse from malnutrition? Give 'em noodles. (They won't even know the difference. I swear.)

Running low on icicles for the tree? Do not fear -- why not wrap your Christmas tree with noodles!? (Can we say beautiful, and yum?)

And last but not least...

5) How to Waste Time Writing Weird Blog Posts When You Should Be Writing Your Actual Book Instead***** (or, as I like to call it, HWTWWBPWYSBWYABI <--- much shorter).

Well what are you waiting for? Head over to your favorite bookstore and order these today! (And I will finish writing them... sometime in the very-near-possibly-soon-to-be future!)

*Slightly torn ugly Christmas gift bag optional for an additional $1.99.
**Inspired by Charlie the Unicorn. I don't know what makes this guy do what he does, but hopefully he never stops.
***Comes with three free noodles in the shape of your choice - elbow, pinwheel, long and skinny, or noodle
****Cooked, or dry. But if you use raw noodles, take care not to poke anyone in the eye.
*****No explanation available at the time of this post


Andi said...

ohhhhh girl. do you need someone to stand there with a whip? GET BACK TO WORK! ha ha ha ... just kiddin ... pretty funny!

ps. I can't even write a blog post. My brain has been tied in a knot. can you write me a book on how to get out of THAT situation?

Linda G. said...

LOL! I would read any of those books. Especially "My Pickled Life"--that one just touches my heart. But I'm sure your REAL book will be even better. :)

Anne Gallagher said...

Sign me up for the unicorn book. Monster Baby would love to get a one-size-fits-all horn.

Covnitkepr1 said...

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Jessica L. Brooks (coffeelvnmom) said...

Andi - Oh my. I probably good write a book about that (great distraction) but then you would have either a) already untied the knot in your brain or b) decided you didn't have time to read it! And the whip... yes, please... I need it. I spent today working on my character profiles for the WiP... great way to waste time;)

Linda - Awe, shucks.;) And yes, it does touch the heart, doesn't it? I can see the book deal now... it will be a trilogy... no wait -- an ongoing series for the next ten years following the Perry's family throughout the pickling process and into your refrigerator!;)

Anne - I've been wondering where to get one of those... Oriental Trading, maybe? (They have EVERYTHING!)

Anonymous said...

Uh-oh: I think I've already been writing #5. You'll have to be a co-author with me or something. ;)

Very nice blog by the way! I love the background and the bookshelf on the side.